The publisher provided this book as a pre-publication ARC for review purposes. It’s available in bookstores as of May 5, 2008.
Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, and Occasional Moments of Grace
Ayelet Waldman
Broadway Books/Doubleday, 2009 (hardcover) (ISBN 0385527934 / 9780385527934)
Nonfiction (memoir/essays), 224 pages
First sentence (from the Introduction): The morning after my wedding, my husband, Michael, and I were lying on a vast expanse of white linen in the bridal suite of Berkeley’s oldest hotel, engaging in a romantic tradition of newlyweds the world over: counting our loot.
If you work, you’re neglectful; if you stay home, you’re smothering. If you discipline, you’re buying them a spot on the shrink’s couch; if you let them run wild, they will be into drugs by seventh grade. If you buy organic, you’re spending their college fund; if you don’t, you’re risking all sorts of allergies and illnesses.
Is it any wonder so many women refer to themselves at one time or another as “a bad mother”? Ayelet Waldman says it’s time for women to get over it and get on with it. Covering topics as diverse as the hysteria of competitive parenting (Whose toddler can recite the planets in order from the sun?), the relentless pursuits of the Bad Mother police, balancing the work-family dynamic, and the bane of every mother’s existence (homework, that is), Bad Mother illuminates the anxieties that riddle motherhood today, while providing women with the encouragement they need to give themselves a break.
Comments: It seems like there’s been an ongoing conversation about motherhood for at least the last fifty years or so, accompanying the discussion of feminism in general – doing it right, doing it wrong, what it all means. And recently – in a development that has included blogs in a big way – the discussion has been joined by many new voices, and they’re emphasizing telling the “truth” about motherhood and getting beyond the popular images. The thing about this truth-telling is that it shapes a picture that makes many of us moms not look very good. Bad Mother is Ayelet Waldman’s jump into the conversation, and she doesn’t hold back. This is a long talk with your dear, painfully honest, over-sharing friend who is self-aware enough to know that she might be saying too much, but says it anyway, although she knows she’s taking the risk that you might judge her unfavorably for it.
Waldman calls herself a Bad Mother chiefly because she falls short of the standard for the Good Mother, which is defined on the cover of the book. She knows that she doesn’t measure up to it in the estimation of others – because they’ve frequently told her so – but she’s far harder on herself, and she openly shares her failings here, starting with her own judgment of other Bad Mothers. There’s a vogue for “mom confessions” about their “secret lives” lately, and although Waldman’s contributions could be lumped in there, I hope they won’t be.
The book is an interesting combination of memoir and essay; each of the eighteen pieces in it (there’s a significance to that number which is explained in the Introduction) revolves around personal incidents which Waldman relates to her own reflections and opinions on parenting and society. Her opinions are strong and expressed with eloquence and passion, although she’s not really attempting to persuade the reader to her way of thinking about anything. In that way, she’s non-judgmental. Some of her experiences are familiar; raised with second-wave feminism’s ambitions to “have it all,” she was sure that her egalitarian marriage (to author Michael Chabon, who would work at home and was eager to be involved in child care and domestic matters) would make it possible to continue her full-time legal career after their first child was born. When it didn’t, and she quit, stay-at-home mothering turned out not to be any easier to manage. Each of her four children has challenged her in different ways. However, Waldman has some confessions that are uniquely her own; while these are personal to her, they’re part of her Bad Mother qualifications because of the ways they have – or will, or just might – affect her children.
The Good Mother that Waldman references is a pretty well-recognized and accepted construct in modern American society, but it’s never been clear to me where it comes from, and I’ve yet to meet anyone who conforms to it completely. And yet it’s rare to find a mother who hasn’t felt judged against that standard. I’m not sure how much of that judgment really is coming from others and how much of it is self-inflicted, because this mysterious standard has been so internalized, but it’s happening regardless. Bad Mother would be a great read for moms’ book groups; it’s certain to generate discussion on multiple levels about both Waldman’s own stories and their relationship to bigger issues. I read it fairly quickly and found it thought-provoking and hard to put down, and I’m very interested in seeing other reactions to it.
Rating: 4/5
Buy the book:
Other bloggers’ reviews:
The Book Lady’s Blog (guest post)
Necromancy Never Pays
Chefdruck Musings
In Search of Giants
Rhapsody in Books
If you have reviewed this book, please leave your link in comments or e-mail me at 3.rsblog AT Gmail DOT com, and I’ll edit this post to include it!
Although I’m not a mother, I must admit I’m fascinated by the whole debate about what makes a good (or bad) mother. This sounds like an interesting book!
When ever I used to get frustrated or embarrassed or mad at my mom, she’s always tell me that she was going to write the incident down in my therapy book. That way, when I was older and scarred by my childhood, my therapist and I wouldn’t have to spend time figuring out what was wrong with me — we could just read all about it in the therapy book.
Your post reminded me of this story because I think my mom probably wouldn’t fit the definition of a “good mom” even though she’s the best mom a girl could have wanted. It’s interesting how the idea of motherhood and what makes a good mom has become this big discussion with lots of political and social consequences. This sounds like a really fascinating book.
I’ve always heard Waldman is an over-sharer! But this sounds like an interesting read. I do feel like our society bombards us with what it means to be a “good mother”, too–and no one can live up to those impossible standards. I also relate to having a husband who has a flexible schedule, but still having to be primary parent. Sounds like I should read this one! Thanks for the review 🙂
I agree that most moms don’t meet the false ideal. I think we all have our good and bad moments. All we can try to do is be there for our kids and do our best. Thanks for the review!
–Anna
Diary of an Eccentric
I’m reviewing another mom-themed book here tomorrow, with a commentary post planned for Thursday that brings together some of the thoughts both books have inspired.
Avisannchild – It was an interesting read, and I suspect there will be a pretty strong media reaction to it (maybe not so much on the book blogs, but in plenty of other places).
Kim – That’s the crux of motherhood; everything wrong with our kids eventually gets blamed on us :-). But hopefully, the ultimate jury – our kids – will eventually say what you did here: that we’ve been the best moms a daughter (or son) could have wanted.
Tracy (Gentle Reader) – I hope you do decide to read it; I’d be very interested in your thoughts. And I actually rather enjoy Waldman’s over-sharing – it might make me a little uncomfortable in person, but on the page it’s fine with me.
Anna – That’s what it comes down to, isn’t it? And as long as we – and our children – feel we have done our “best,” that’s the standard that matters.
Thanks for the review. That looks like an interesting book. I read a really interesting book once called The Mask of Motherhood.
Angie – I’ll have to look for that one – thanks for mentioning it!
Over-sharer. Hmmm. Perhaps so. I’ve been in an anthology with AW and on a panel with her.
🙂
Beth K – I think she described herself that way, if I remember correctly – but I wouldn’t disagree, and I guess you’ve been a position to observe firsthand :-).