This is officially designated as a “lazy (Sunday) post.” Both of these things came to me via e-mail this week, from two different people – one’s been around before, and one was new to me. But they have a common theme, and they both made me laugh.
What I Learned From My Mother (and I honestly remember hearing quite a few of these phrases when I was growing up)
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. ” Because I said so, that’s why.” (This one really happened)
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
(I love Bill Cosby’s bit about this: “Mothers are always worried about whether you’re wearing clean underwear in case you’re in an accident. But if you’re in an accident, it doesn’t matter, because you’re going to have soiled underwear. Because first you say it, and then you do it!”)7. My mother taught me IRONY. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.” (This one really happened too.)
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.” (This one makes no sense!)
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12 My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.” (OK, I know this one actually is from Bill Cosby.)
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. “Stop acting like your father!” (That was never a good thing…)
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. “Just wait until we get home.”
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. “You are going to get it when you get home!”
18. My mother taught me about MEDICAL SCIENCE. “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”
19. My mother taught me ESP. “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?” (Yes, this one really happened too)
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.” (OK, this is one she never said)
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. “You’re just like your father.”
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
25. And most important: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!” (My dad calls this “revenge.”)
The Good Napkins, or The Importance of Being Honest
My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).
One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping “napkins” in the bathroom. Didn’t they belong in the kitchen?
Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for “special occasions” (her second mistake).
Now fast forward a few months…. It’s Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone.
Mine was to set the table.
When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling.Next came my father, who roared with laughter.
Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a “special occasion” Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn’t hang off the edge!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.
“But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!”
Isn’t it easier to just tell the truth?!?— D([“mb”,”u003cbr>place setting on the table with a "special occasion" Kotex napkin at eachu003cbr>plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the littleu003cbr>tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!u003cbr>nu003cbr> My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sentu003cbr>the other adults into further fits of laughter.u003cbr>u003cbr> "But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!"u003cbr>u003cbr> Isn't it easier to just tell the truth?! ????????nu003cbr>u003cbr> u003cbr>u003cbr>u003cbr>u003cbr>n”,0] ); D([“ce”]); //–>
Too funny.
Did this really happen to you?!!
Wprking Girl – My mom actually did make quite a number of those statements. As for the “napkins” story, the only part of it that’s true for me is that I learned to read when I was four. A friend e-mailed me that, and I don’t know where she got it, but it cracked me up!