I know times have changed, and it’s a lot harder for young adults to get started on their “real” lives these days. The late-night phone calls and long-distance online counseling of my son the insomniac – who actually does seem to be making a decent transition to the post-college, living-on-his-own, working-adult world – have reminded me of this lately. Even so, I have some major disagreements with this post by Penelope Trunk’s recurring guest blogger, Ryan Healy, suggesting that it’s a “responsible” decision to move back home after college.
I sent the link to Chris for his take and to help gauge my own reaction:
in a vacuum it doesn’t look bad
I guess it’s hard to argue the benefits for a recent graduate, especially if everything reverts to pre-college status and parents are picking up the tab for everything. And if the grad takes advantage of that – in the “good” way – by working hard and saving up that money during this time period, he or she will be much better-positioned financially for a more desirable lifestyle when the time to move out finally arrives.
I actually think being able to go away to college, living on or near campus, is a great opportunity. It’s a taste of independence – being responsible for your own time management, for one thing, along with making lots of other choices – but it’s also still sheltered, since most college kids aren’t quite as “on their own” as they like to think they are. Directly and indirectly, most are still getting a substantial amount of support from parents during this time. But having had that taste of independence can mean giving it up when returning to the family home – and as a parent, I think to some extent that’s entirely appropriate. Unless the recent grad is paying rent and other housing expenses to the parent, and doing his or her own laundry, errands, cleaning, etc. – that is, approximating living on one’s own as closely as possible under the circumstances – I’m inclined to think “my house, my rules” applies, especially if there’s also some amount of “my support” involved. And I’d suggest that rather than going away and coming back, one might ultimately arrive at the same place by attending a local university and living at home, preparing for a transition to independence after graduation. (I did this, and believe me, everyone was ready to move on after five years of it.)
For generations, it’s been traditional for young adults to have to work their way up in the world; it’s a formative experience, intellectually, emotionally, and materially. Maybe I’m a traditionalist, but I see a lot of value to this. Depending on where you live and what you do, though, it can be harder to get on that footing and take longer to move forward – and I think that going back to the family home signals a reluctance to take on those challenges, as well as a sense of entitlement to a particular lifestyle that these young adults grew up with and don’t want to sacrifice.
I gather a lot of parents don’t want them to have to sacrifice it, either. My take on the job of parenthood is that the goal is raising functional adults, and thereby ultimately working yourself out of a job – but I know that not all parents agree, and some have a hard time letting go appropriately. I’m not talking about kicking the baby birds out of the nest, mind you, and I don’t think any parent wants to become truly unnecessary to his or her child, but I think we do more for them by helping them prepare to fly. (Teaching someone to fish vs. giving them a fish, you know…) I’m not sure letting them back into the nest really does help. I tend to think that moving back home after college has a lot more advantages for the child than the parents – but if the parents aren’t ready to let go, I guess they get some benefit too. If the parent is encouraging the child to return home, I wonder if that speaks more to the parent’s needs that what’s best for the young-adult child in the long run.
As I say, I’m probably a traditionalist, and my viewpoint is in line with my own experiences. I think those experiences were a good basis on which to raise my own child, though, and am glad to see him following that more traditional route; I hope that his upbringing has prepared him to make a good go of it. And considering that he was pretty anxious to get started on his own and not head back to stay with either of his parents after graduation, I guess he might be a bit of a traditionalist himself.
UPDATE 9/6 to add a link to this – related to what is and isn’t part of the “parenting” job description, here are Bub and Pie’s “Family Values.” I am very much in agreement with them.
I think about this topic a LOT.
I try to understand how a “young person today” feels. How it can seem okay to him/her to be dependent on parents into young adulthood.
On the bright side, it perhaps means that parent/child relationships are at an all-time high for closeness. Kids and parents truly want to be together. Isn’t that sweet?
Back in the day, we wanted “out” because life at home was in many ways less than ideal. By which I mean, you had to abide by your parents’ strict rules. We wanted to be free! And we were not friends with our parents, not in the way kids are now.
On the not-bright side, I worry we are raising a less-resilient generation. Knowing that you can take care of yourself is a wonderful feeling to have. Knowing you can live perfectly fine sleeping on a mattress on the floor and eating rice and beans is empowering.
Every generation thinks it is different. Every generation proclaims its uniqueness. But. . . . you see my point!
WG – I think in some cases it seems OK to young adults to delay their independence from their parents because their parents aren’t exactly encouraging it.
Now, I think my son and I have a good relationship, and I’m pretty sure he thinks so too – but at this point we both feel that “on his own” is exactly where he should be. But as I said, we may both be traditionalists on that score – and I think about this subject quite a bit myself.
Ugh. As the parent of an almost- 22-year-old (who is living on her own after having graduated university), and an 18-year-old who is living at home while he works and takes a gap year before attending post-secondary school, I am acutely annoyed by the article.
“Responsible?” In that entire article, there is not one single reference to the parents in this equation. No acknowledgement that it’s their home, too. No awareness that, having had their child out of the house for four or five years, they might prefer to preserve their hard-earned parental autonomy. How “responsible” can it be to simply assume one can return to the nest as a chick, without any reference to the needs and realities of the people who OWN the nest?
The self-absorption is appalling. It’s not “responsibility” he’s describing here, it’s expediency and sheerest self-interest.
And the comment: So why do we still try to go from adolescent to adult in a matter of weeks or months? Obviously, the writer thinks that university students are in an extended adolescence until they graduation. Strange, I’d always thought that the four or five years of university or college were supposed to be the transition from adolescence to adult.
It’s a pathetic rationalization of a fundamentally unhealthy dynamic, says me. If we’re adolescents until our late twenties, that’s a whole decade frittered away. Why would parents encourage extended childhood in their adult-age children? Oh, that’s right: because we see childhood as nirvana and adulthood as something bad.
Why, oh why are we so afraid of adulthood in this culture?
Yup, I’m annoyed.
MaryP – I share your indignation over that post, but you expressed it SO much better – thank you! I think perhaps you might be a traditionalist yourself. As to this comment of yours – “Obviously, the writer thinks that university students are in an extended adolescence until they graduation. Strange, I’d always thought that the four or five years of university or college were supposed to be the transition from adolescence to adult.” – I completely second it.
I moved back home for a couple of years after my divorce – I’d been out of the house (for most of the year, at least) for eight years at that point. It was a really good experience, one I look back upon fondly – and my mom still expresses nostalgia for those days, as awful as they were at the time.
I don’t think there are hard and fast rules here – in many cultures, there is never any expectation that adult children and their parents live separate lives. My ex-grandmother-in-law lived with her daughter’s family in her old age – that’s an option too. A lot depends on the personalities involved, the space available, and the lifestyle. (While I was living at home, for instance, my parents were able to vacation more comfortably than usual because they knew I’d be there every day to keep the cats company!)
bubandpie – I always appreciate the perspective you offer. It is true that there are cultural factors involved, and extended family all under one roof is the norm in other places (my own mother’s family, for one).
A good friend of mine had a similar experience to yours – moving back to her parents’ home after her first marriage ended. I think returning to the “nest” due to a setback of that kind after several years away isn’t quite the same thing as what this writer was talking about – and I’d make my son welcome in similar circumstances. What got to me – and my commenter MaryP, apparently – was the writer’s seeming attitude of disregard for the parents in advocating going back home after college.
Have hugely enjoyed reading these other comments.
I do agree with maryp that people “nowadays” seem to think that adulthood is something bad and to be avoided.
What the. . . .?
Adulthood is GREAT. Independence is wonderful. Yes, it can be scary–it is scary–but you get to manage your own destiny. The whole time I was a child I wanted nothing more than to grow up (isn’t that what we all wanted?) and now that I am all grown up. . . .well, I have never looked back.
This may be just me, though.
One last thought: Many parents may actually want their kids around. There’s that whole empty nest syndrome thing. We want to feel needed. So, as you say, Florinda, maybe some of us encourage neediness in our kids. I think this does them a great disservice.