This was inspired by a discussion on Work It, Mom last week and an unexpected comp day off from work last Friday (thanks, chief!) – which, ironically, gave me time for other stuff but not for writing this!
It’s conventional wisdom that women in general aren’t good at taking time for themselves, because we spend so much of their time dealing with and caring for other people. This particularly applies to mothers, adult daughters, working women, and any combination thereof – that is, most women. And we get mixed messages about it all the time. There’s encouragement from all fronts to make room for “me time” in our lives – from the media, from our communities, even from our families (if we’re lucky) – and there’s certainly marketing support for the concept. At the same time, we face so many expectations from many of the same fronts that making time for ourselves often takes it away from someone or something else, and we don’t want to disappoint anyone so we move ourselves to the back of the line. (In fact, if you’re a follower of one of the fundamentalist religious sects that holds “God first, family second, self last,” you may believe that’s exactly what you’re supposed to do and where you’re supposed to be.) We may be disappointing ourselves, but we can handle that rather than letting someone else down or dropping the ball on one of our many responsibilities – the disappointment is preferable to the guilt.
I’ve been attending Weight Watchers meetings for four years, and have been (mostly) maintaining a weight loss of 20+ pounds for over three of those years. I’ve heard a lot of discussion about the necessity of putting your own needs first, setting boundaries, and making yourself a priority if you want to succeed at the program – and I’ve seen a lot of reaction of “Great, but how am I supposed to manage that with my life and all the directions I’m being pulled in? Easier said than done.” Well, yes and no. I think it can be challenging at times, but it can be done. I think the hardest part of it is feeling like it’s OK, or safe, to do that and not feeling guilty about setting the boundaries and meeting your own needs. (Work It, Mom contributor Jordan Sadler has a related article posted over there.)
There’s lots of advice available about ways to streamline your routine, be more productive, set priorities, etc. in order to get through your to-do list and open up time for yourself – I don’t have any brilliant new tips to add to that supply. Many of them are probably worth trying out, and some may be really useful, but if you don’t consider it important and necessary to get “me” time, and feel OK about doing it, I don’t think any of that advice will do much for you in the long run.
During my post-divorce, pre-Tall Paul years, I had a pretty solid stretch of potential “me” time, when I wasn’t at work, commuting to or from work, taking care of Gypsy, doing long-distance parenting and local extended-family stuff, or tending to chores, errands, housekeeping, etc., since I was the only one around to do that. And even when I really had no one else to answer to, I’ve struggled to impress on myself that I am a responsible person and it actually is OK to take some time to play before I get every bit of work done, but I’m still on speaking terms with guilt over being “self-indulgent,” even when it’s in a good way. I am fortunate that now that I’m in a family setting again, I’m with someone who is very understanding and supportive of “me” time – for each of us – so that could make it easier, but the permission for it – feeling like it’s OK, not feeling overly guilty about taking it (and most likely letting something else slide as a result) – is still tougher than the logistics of making the time, for me. But I have found a couple of things that help, and I’m working on turning them into beliefs:
- I have come to accept that I need a certain amount of time to myself in order to feel like myself. I can spend it reading, writing, walking the dog, browsing, baking – as long as it’s time to myself, by myself (I’ll make an exception for Gypsy), and I’m choosing what to do with it, it puts me in a better place to deal with everyone and everything else in my life. I need to take care of myself in order to take care of them – and recognizing and meeting that need is part of being a responsible person.
- Sometimes I just have to say no in order to keep my head on straight. Even if I’ve learned that I can do more than I think I can, that doesn’t necessarily mean I have to do it.
- It’s OK if some things don’t get done, or if they get done by someone other than me – that doesn’t mean I’m not a responsible person.
Being a multi-tasker shouldn’t mean feeling like a martyr, and looking out for our own self-interest doesn’t necessarily equal “being selfish.” And if “me” time is important to you, you can always try making it one of your “tasks” and see that helps you accomplish it. You may not be able to find it every day, or even every week, but we do tend to find ways to do the things we truly treat as priorities. Making ourselves too available and not having boundaries can send a message that we don’t value our own time, so other people don’t have to either, which isn’t a positive for anyone involved. And if others do learn to respect our boundaries – or at least don’t seem to be bothered by them – that can help us feel like it’s OK to have them. That may be backwards thinking, but sometime we need that external validation as an extra nudge to go ahead and take some of that “me” time without feeling quite so guilty about it.
